“Last time I checked, it was my turn,to say how I feel,Cause you’re not the one going through with it,and you’re not the one who gotta do it,Am I the one at the wheel?”- Toby Lightman OR Insomniac’s Lullaby

Posted in Life/dating, Music Monday, Uncategorized by
Photography by: Deep Tanks Studio

My last shoot. I knew I was starting to get sick and that would be it for awhile.

“Don’t Let Go” – Toby Lightman/Patrick Leonard

Am I the one in control? Am I the one at the wheel? Last time I checked, it was my turn to say how I feel Cause you’re not the one going through with it and you’re not the one who gotta do it Am I the one at the wheel?
Don’t let go It’s always on the tip of my tongue I won’t take another second Don’t lay low Boy you better keep listening cause I’m gonna tell you when it’s over but it’s not over yet
I can’t sit and listen to what you have to say I’m sick of hearing your voice I’m sick of going your way cause you’re not the one who’s gotta live with it and you’re not the one who’s giving in to it I’m sick of hearing your voice
(Don’t let go..)
Don’t talk to me like you can’t believe That I don’t know what I want when I want it Don’t question me about what I need I’ll fill you in When I’m ready for it If you don’t let me take my time Nothing’s gonna feel right I won’t forget to tell you when I’m gonna tell you when it’s over but it’s not over yet
Don’t let go It’s always on the tip of my tongue I won’t take another second Won’t let go You’ll be the first to know when I’m done Hate to say but I’ve just begun Don’t lay low Boy you better keep listening cause I’m gonna tell you when it’s over but it’s not over yet

Wow Readers, it’s been a good three months since my last post. Thank You for having hung in with me. I just had a chance to re-check my statistics from the time frame I was absent and was pleasantly surprised (ok and a little shocked) to have found many of you still reading the blog. Reader Love <3 , as I send out huge Hugs to all of you.

The above lyrics do NOT; I repeat do NOT have to do with a guy. At least not in my reasoning for posting them in today’s blog. I’m sure when Toby wrote them it’s entirely possible they were in fact written about a romance…*shrugs*

Two years ago I stopped sleeping. Nobody knew why or what had led to it. Determined to get back on track I did what anybody in my situation would have done, I went to my doctor and asked for help. I was given Ambien for sleep, and told to go see a sleep specialist. The closest I found was on the opposite side of the island from me, a good hour train ride or a $22 dollar each way cab ride. Have I mentioned I’m far from rich? Those cab rides bleed me dry, and running on several days of no sleep taking the train was not always the safest option. A sleep study was recommended. That first one was a trip. You take one sleep deprived woman, stick her in a strange room with no windows, and then attach machines and goop all over body–then tell her to “go to sleep”. Here’s the reality of that for anyone who’s never done a sleep study. Your mind’s going, “Ok, what if I have to pee?” “God, I really hope I don’t unhook one of these machines.” or my favorite one…” What if I don’t sleep? What if they get nothing?”

I survived that first study, and the results came back as Apnea. I once again went back to that same far out of the way sleep doctor, and was fitted for sleep retainer. It looks like a double retainer -bottom and top, clicks in the back and juts out your jaw, forcing in air. In the meantime, I’m still not sleeping. With that particular sleep doctor we went the homeopathic route- Valerian, which upset my IBS stomach terribly and did nothing for the Insomnia. Sleepytime Tea, Melatonin…nothing working and my frustration growing with every strike out we had.

Insurance did not help, and office staff seemed to not understand my struggles. At one visit, where I was once again on several days of no sleep, and so broke I had no alternative, but, to take the train, I was turned away for not having a referral…which I wasn’t informed about. After calling my primary and finding myself in a surprise screaming match with the Office Manager, my pressure skyrocketed. Knowing I was not feeling well, I went back into the Sleep Specialists Office, and asked to see the doctor for five minutes. That Office Manager turned me away; she wouldn’t even allow him to check my vitals. I ended up having to figure out where the bus was and taking myself to the ER, where everything ended up being up, and I was stuck on an IV for an hour.

That was the last time I went back to that sleep doctor and that primary care. In between I had a second sleep study with the mouth piece. It showed the Apnea corrected. Great, but, why the hell wasn’t I sleeping? At some point, I lost the mouth piece which never did anything. The nights of Insomnia continued and so did my tears.

I’m a fighter; I’ve always been one, as life didn’t always give me a choice. Now, wasn’t the time to stop fighting, but, that in no way, shape, or form meant that it was an easy battle. Actually, if battles were meant to be easy, we wouldn’t learn nearly as much as we do from them. When I have my bad days over lack of sleep and recent life events, and there have been many, the tears come down in waterfalls and the questioning over “Why?” come down in buckets.

I worked with a Psychiatrist for a few years trying to find something to put me to sleep, but, only one thing ever worked – Ambien. Every time we’d try something else, and it’d fail, I’d hold out hope that maybe something else would work, and then that would fail. Finally, he just said, “I’m sorry; I don’t what else to try. There’s nothing left, we’ve tried everything.”

Ambien and I do have a painful story together, one day when I’ve figured it out myself; I’ll tell it to you.

Around the time of Hurricane Sandy, I started with another Sleep Doctor. There is no way to describe him and his staff except dangerously awful. I had one appointment with him where I wasn’t listened to, he forgot about me for a month- his words and I was told after he prescribed one medication that was basically Benadryl – that there were no other alternatives. I was also told I had a fat neck.

I cried hard over that, which in turn caused more sleepless nights as I wondered if I’d ever sleep again. In the back of my head was the constant voice, “This is crazy. I refuse to accept that I will never sleep again…”

I took a deep breath and started looking off island for a sleep doctor. If I had trouble getting to the opposite side of the island on several days no sleep, how the hell was I going to do the city? Maybe there was something I was missing. Maybe the city would be better. Hope…must hope.

As I perused the pages of Healthgrades at a Sleep Doctor, I noticed his second address. Seaview. Several days of no sleep makes your thoughts a little jumbled, so at first I thought he worked at my Grandmother’s Nursing Home. Finally, I just said, “Screw it, just call.” I nervously called the 212 number, and I guess the desperation in my voice came through to the Office Manager, who gave me an appointment that afternoon at the Staten Island location.

He listened, and he didn’t want to shove pills down my throat. After two visits where I explained again, not sleeping. HE LISTENED!!! I had another sleep study done, and the results were what I’d been telling people all along. Less than 3 hours of sleep. I was both relieved, and devastated. Relieved, because finally there was scientific proof of what I’d been saying for years…”I’m not sleeping.” Devastated, because there it was in Black & White, and with the Sleep Study being at less than 4 hours it was inconclusive. Immediately, he wanted me to go to sleep. I was scheduled for another study and told to take something before I came. I had another study with 1 Ambien and a Bi-pap, that showed 4.9 hours of sleep and not straight. 2. something here…., wake up, 2.something there.

When I got the results I cried. Especially when the next words out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why this is happening, and I know this is not what we wanted.” The good thing to come out of those results was REM sleep, which I hadn’t gotten in a long time.

I’m a getting a CPAP on the 13th, which I’m hoping will lead to more REM sleep.

I’m tired of people telling me they’re sorry. I’m tired of people thinking they have the slightest clue of what I go through. I’m tired of people thinking I’m strong all the time–no, I’m not. I’m human. I’m tired of people not being there. I’m tired of people doubting me. I’m tired of assumptions and bullshit. And most of all, I’m tired of being tired.

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Having an “Alanis” Day…

Posted in Life/dating, philosophy, Quotes, Uncategorized by
In a pissy mood

She must be having an “Alanis Day” too…

“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.”

~Aristotle

OK, I admit it I have a temper, and there are days like today where absolutely everything seems to piss me off. I call those my “Alanis Days”. Those are the days when I reach for my old Alanis Morissette CD‘s, crank them up really loudly, and belt along at the top of my lungs.

When I was researching quotes for today’s blog I came across the above one from philosopher Aristotle. Something clicked. I’m not saying I’ll never have another day where everything seems to get under my skin- hey, I’m human. However, being angry takes up so much energy and I have to tell you, between you and me, I’m not a fan of how I feel when I’m angry. Growing up one of the things my mother would repeatedly tell me was “to choose your battles.” It’s the same concept I can choose to walk around like a pot ready to boil over all the time or I can choose to rein it in and only blow my lid for the right time, and the right reason.

For anyone else who might be looking to deal with their anger issues, I came across this article in Psychology Today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201102/four-strategies-cope-anger-in-healthy-way

Of course I still advocate for number 5 ,which is not on the list ,belting along to Alanis. I won’t be throwing out my CD’s any time soon.

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The When Harry Met Sally Dilemma OR the post otherwise known as “Bah!”

Posted in Life/dating, philosophy, Quotes by

“What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” Men and Women ,can we really be just friends?

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

 

As I’ve gotten older the amount of platonic male friendships has increased in my life. As of now I can say with certainty that I have at least 4 really good friends of the opposite sex. One of which has lasted for the past 6 years, longer than my fair share of relationships. Friday afternoon found me sitting in Dunkin Donuts sipping Hot Chocolate and discussing this very topic with the longest of my four male friends. After much discussion we arrived at the conclusion that really there was no representation of the platonic male/female friendship that had not been involved in some form of a past relationship or like represented on either television or film.

Why? Men and Women being friends is not a new concept, and it’s not one that doesn’t happen in the real world every day . No, Harry you got it wrong my friend. Men and Women can in fact just be friends, I’m proof of that.

 

 

 

 

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It Shouldn’t Have To Be This Difficult…

Posted in Life/dating, philosophy, Political Rants, Quotes, Uncategorized by
Pardon me well I scream..

I’m pretty sure this is what I looked like after spending the afternoon dealing with hospital billing,supervisors, Insurance Companies,and Managers.

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn”

Gloria Steinem

My Monday afternoon started off just like any other Monday, that is, until the mail arrived. I heard the Mailman drop the mail in the box, and popped my head out to grab the day’s mail. As usual I sifted through it before I set it down on the entry way table. Junk…Junk…Medical Bill. Aggravated I opened the bill to see if there’d been any changes since I’d updated my insurance not once, not twice, but, several times since first receiving the bill in June as it was put into the system incorrectly.

I continued to flip through the mail, wait, what was this a second bill? From the same facility? For the same day of service? I looked at the bill further…with still unchanged insurance information. You’ve got have to be kidding me? We’ve been over this how many times?!

Annoyed I proceeded to call the billing center and spoke with a customer service representative who would not put me on the phone with a supervisor and assured me he could fix the problem himself. I told him I was now staring at a $1,000 bill I’d been trying to get straightened out since June, and it’d only doubled. As we finished our conversation and I hung up, I again looked at the bill. Nope, one of my insurance claims had not been billed. This of course led to me calling back. I’m sure you can imagine how at this point my frustration was slowly starting to build. Again, I had to go through the entire scenario with this rep. . . . I again asked to speak with a supervisor, again she hesitated. Actually, what she told me was that, “I had to go and call my insurance to find out what had happened.” I was then placed on hold for ten minutes only before being told “That a manager would call me back.”

I hung up and called my secondary insurance, got nowhere. I then called my primary not once, but twice as I was mis-connected and then put through to a voice mail before I actually got a human on the phone…who are you ready for this…? Proceeded to tell me they had nothing on file at all from this facility for that date or any time. Baffled, angered, and ready to blow much the way a tea kettle does when it’s boiling over I then called the facility back and requested to speak with the supervisor yet again. The only way I was able to get through was by threatening to file a formal complaint.

Once I actually got her on the phone she was actually angry at me (are you kidding?!) for not waiting for the Manager to call me back. I told her I’d been trying to get this fixed since June and had requested to speak with a Supervisor on several occasions. “It’s not in the notes.” was the response I got back. How do you reason with stupidity? All I could say was, “Well, I have no idea why it’s not in the notes.”

A half hour later I got a call back from a Manager. She actually took responsibility for the situation, and said point-blank they’d screwed up.

This is not the first time this has happened, and it’s not just with me. I’m sitting with another bill that went to collections for $100 because someone at another medical facility was also careless with the insurance.

Across the country my mother recently dealt with a situation not so different from what I’d gone through with careless insurance mistakes. Here’s what’s happening, in my eyes, this country is getting sloppy. The staff at the hospitals are usually overworked, underpaid, and in details like billing it’s showing. It shouldn’t have to be this difficult. I, my mother, or anyone else should not have to go through this headache of having to worry about fixing the insurance mistakes ,from people who hate doing their jobs, every time we need medical care. In order to do this the change really needs to come from starting to fix the system. I believe we’re slowly starting to move in that direction,but,change doesn’t happen overnight.

 

 

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The Post Carrie Quoted Blog

Posted in 80's/90's, Life/dating, Nostalgia, Passion, philosophy, Quotes, Uncategorized by

About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog and was looking for a nice quote to cap it off. I stumbled across a Carrie Bradshaw – SATC quote and magic was born. To date that blog’s been one of my most viewed. If you missed it, you can find it here:

http://itjustiswhatitis.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/%e2%80%9csometimes-we-need-to-stop-analyzing-the-past-stop-planning-the-future-stop-figuring-out-precisely-how-we-feel-stop-deciding-exactly-what-we-want-and-just-see-what-happens-%e2%80%9d-carr/

Some time had passed and I forgot all about having written it until two very interesting things happened. Hurricane Sandy came and left me with no power for a week. No power also equaled no television. Hmm, must scramble to find something to read. Ok, not an issue, after all if you’ve ever met me you know A. My bedroom is a fortress of books and B. I have a horrible habit of picking up books with the intent of reading them, then forgetting about them, only to re-discover those months later and go “hmm that looks interesting.” As I scrambled I came across a book with a woman tying a bow on the back of her dress titled “How to Be Single“.

I gave the book a funny glance and turned it over written by Liz Tuccillo. Writer, on Sex and the City–good. Co-Author, of “He’s Just Not That Into You“.—.eh.

As I spent my week in the dark with no heat, I passed the time under the covers with a flashlight, book in hand, engrossed in the pages. Now where as SATC is all about the women chasing relationships, “How to Be Single” was not. In fact the story spanned the globe to prove this point worldwide.

Society has this pre-conceived dated notion that if we’re not out there dating then there  must be something wrong with us. Why? When did it become unacceptable to spend time on yourself?

Where do I stand now as opposed to then? I’m still not going to go out actively looking for a relationship, however, if it comes looking for me I’m not going to turn up my nose at it either.

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You Can’t Live Life, If You Aren’t Truly Living It

Posted in Life/dating, philosophy, Political Rants, Target: Work by

May 2013 be your best year yet.

I can’t believe we’re already at the last post of the year. It’s amazing how time flies so quickly. I know this is usually the point where you’ll usually find most blogs filled with resolutions: how to make them, keep them, etc. Here’s one blog where you won’t find anything of the sort.

I think resolutions are bullshit. You’re either going to do it or you’re not. So, instead, I usually start the year with a definite idea of things I’d like to incorporate that year, let it build and go from there. I foresee the next year focusing more on my writing and business ideas. I also see 2013 being a big year for me in the way of self-development. To be honest, it just feels like a lot of things were put on hold this year as I scrambled to take care of myself. I’ve been angry and hurt as I tried really hard to make sense of things that don’t and will never make sense. I’m sorry, but, no matter how I wrap my brain around it there just is no sense in Cancer and how it took the life so quickly of someone I loved so deeply.

I’ve spent the past few days reflecting on my year, and what I’ve learned from it. What I walk away with is this: You can’t live life, if you aren’t truly living it.

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On leaving drama for the stage…

Posted in Life/dating, philosophy, Political Rants by

gossiping

I’ve talked about my theatrical family and doing plays as a child. One thing I’ve learned over time is that drama is a thing best reserved for the stage. There’s a certain amount of heaviness and energy it takes up to be so negative. It’s just so consuming. It’s something I decided awhile ago that I did not want to be a part of because I hated the feeling associated with it.

Some of this has to do with my leaning towards Buddhism, some of its just common sense. I have a challenge for all of you. Buddha teaches us, “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind” Just take a minute before you speak, post, tweet (whatever) and ask yourself the same thing. I dare you to obtain from gossiping/drama for a week. I guarantee at the end of the week, you’ll feel lighter and think twice before you open your mouth to gossip again.

To get you started in the right direction I’ve included this article from Tiny Buddha:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-gossiping-and-creating-drama/

 

 

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And Now…

Posted in Life/dating, Uncategorized by

 

It feels like several years have passed between my last post and now, and yet in reality, it’s only been the span of a few weeks.

Tomorrow I’ll talk of all I’m grateful for and what I’ve come to realize it means to me ,but, today I want to talk about what lead me to take a break from posting.

I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I have severe problems with sleep (My post “Just Deal With It” starts to talk about this), it’s been at its worst lately and I was diagnosed with Alpha Wave Intrusions.  The technical definition is here: http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/glossary/g/Alpha-Eeg-Anomaly.htm . In English, it works like this: My body is physically exhausted, but, my brain is not- it’s constantly going. This in turn causes me to not sleep, even with the help of Ambien. I am under the care of a new sleep specialist, so hopefully further down the road we’ll come up with a solution or at least something to make me more comfortable. However, for now I just have to wait it out.

I’ve called Staten Island home since I was 2. I was not ready for what Sandy would do to my hometown. I don’t think any of us were. No one tells you what to feel when the President of the United States one day holds a Press Conference from a disaster area that was once your playground. At the same time as a native islander there has been a lot of pride swelling within me, as I’ve watched my fellow islanders roll up their sleeves, dig in, and slowly help to re-build Staten Island. They make me proud call Staten Island home, and  know together we’ll all get through this.

For more on how you can help give to SI victims of Hurricane Sandy please go here:

http://www.rebuildstatenisland2012.com/

 

Nima Beckie and the No Good,Very Bad,Horrible,Day

Posted in 80's/90's, Life/dating, Nostalgia, philosophy by

 

Giving today a Raspberry!!

Sticking out my tongue at today!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad days, we’ve all had them. In fact as kids we’re taught early on that it’s part of life. In fact there was a book I had as a kid (come on 80′s and some 70′s kids I can’t have been the only one to have had it…I see you all saying, “I had it too!!” titled Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (written by Judith Viorst and illustrated by Ray Cruz) that went into this very topic.

My day just snowballed from one thing to another it was like are you kidding me, can’t a girl catch a break, because for crying out loud it was Friday, of all days!!! 

Here’s the thing though life doesn’t care that it’s Friday, it’s going to happen whether you want it too or not. Good or bad.

My philosophy for those No Good, Very bad, Horrible Days…throw a tantrum. You heard me throw a tantrum. Allow yourself to do it. However, do it at home, get it out of your system…scream, yell, stick out your tongue, turn on the Alanis really loud and sing along. Acknowledge you had a bad day, and then move on!

Here’s the flip side of a bad day…are you ready for it? Tomorrow is another day!!! Isn’t it kind of awesome how that works out?